Respaldo de material de tanatología

Guia del duelo: About Grief

About Grief 

Grief is the reaction people have to any loss in their lives. It includes a wide range of responses which vary with each person, the type of loss and its meaning to them, and their particular circumstances and experiences.
The death of a significant person in one’s life is a major loss but grief can be felt about many losses.
Examples include:

  1. the ending of a relationship
  2. moving or migrating
  3. losing a job, health, a pet, a role in life
  4. giving up something that mattered a lot
  5. losing a dream

Secondary losses

One loss can cause other secondary losses. These others may only become clear as time passes and may include:

  1. loss of income
  2. changed roles in the family
  3. loss of the family home
  4. loss of a planned future.

A loss, or something associated with the loss, may cause recurrent or on-going grief. Many things can be mixed up in people’s experience of loss and change and add to a sense of confusion. There can be good aspects or feelings as well as the pain and difficulties. Sometimes even changes that were wanted, such as a promotion, can also result in losses.

Grieving

When people grieve they are coming to terms with what has changed in their lives. At the same time, they are beginning to find new ways of going about their lives to cope with the gaps that the loss has created. This takes varying periods of time. The length of time is affected by things such as the significance of the loss and what other things happen to the person. It is not unusual for grief to be felt over an extended period of time, even up to several years.

The body’s response

Although each person will grieve in their own way, there is a general pattern. Following a loss, the person first may be stunned or distressed with the shock. The human body releases chemicals, such as adrenalin, in response to shock. These are to help with thinking, alertness and coping with pain. The person may have physical reactions such as sleeplessness, difficulty in sitting still or concentrating, loss of appetite, tummy upset, or even chest pains (which should be checked by a doctor). Often people can feel numb or as though they are on “automatic pilot”. They may do normal activities but not feel connected to the real world. Doing some physical activity may be helpful.

Thoughts and feelings

People experience a whole range of thoughts and feelings. These can be all mixed up together and even quite opposite to one another, for example, relief, guilt, laughter, anguish, anger. This storm of emotion comes and goes over time and varies with individual people as they are confronted with reminders of what they have lost and mourn for this. Loss of self esteem and confidence are common.

 

Initially 

In the beginning, most people have a sense of disbelief which they usually give up over time. Seeing the body and having a funeral play a part in how this happens.
The fact that people often cannot believe that it has really happened can be useful in protecting them from being overwhelmed by such a huge change in the way they have expected their life to go on.

Three to four months after the death

This may be a particularly low time. Society’s expectations are that bereaved people should be over their grief by this time and should be back to normal. But this is when the reality of the death is sinking in. The chemicals which support the body after a severe stress are starting to wear off, and the support of friends is dropping away. So bereaved people are often going through a very painful time emotionally when there is least support.

Coping

Most people will find themselves automatically expecting past things to happen again, and may have a need to keep some of these going for a while. But gradually most people begin to face the gaps in their daily lives and struggle to cope with the differences. They start to create a new life for themselves often while the old life and the person who was so much part of that life are mourned. Usually, this whole journey takes a large amount of effort, emotion and energy, but this may not always be seen. Sometimes they do not look after themselves and they may have little energy to reach out for what they need. Interested listening and practical help may be useful.

Later

But the confusion and pain should get less. Most people start to recognise they are having more frequent and longer times when they feel more energy and hope. They often recognise they have successfully survived a difficult time in their life and feel stronger. They may notice their memories are not as painful for as long, although this pain may never go away altogether. The length of time it takes to make this adjustment varies a lot, beginning in the early weeks and perhaps lasting up to several years.

 

Coping with Grief

Many people feel such intense emotional pain following a death that they wonder if they can survive. It may be hard to believe in the early days, but the pain does ease and thoughts about the person who has died become more comfortable and the happy memories are treasured.

Bereaved people may wonder how to get through their grief. The grief process is like a journey running from the starting point of bereavement to a new life. Progress is made through grief as the feelings are worked through. Freud called this grief work.

Some strategies for dealing with grief

Grief time
Some people find it helpful to spend fifteen to twenty minutes alone every day. They put on the answering machine so they won’t be disturbed. This time acts as a safety valve. In it they deal with any emotions they have stored up during the day.
There are different ways of grieving at these times: thinking, crying, praying, meditating, writing or drawing, talking to the dog!
Some people like to keep a diary. They write down their feelings and the memories of the loved one. They can then see how their grief changes over a period of weeks and months. This is proof of progress. If the diary is kept in a safe place the written memories become precious in the future. Alternatively some people feel more comfortable with pictures or diagrams.
Many people feel less alone by also grieving with other family members, including the children.

Tears
Many people find crying a relief. Rather than being an indication of weakness, tears are often a sign of strength and show that the bereaved person is prepared to work through their grief. Some people find it difficult to cry, and yearn for tears to release their grief.

Enlisting help
The process can seem long and lonely, so many people find someone whom they can confide in, for example, a relative or friend. Doctors or the local community health centre may be able to help in this way, or refer bereaved people to a specialist grief counsellor. Some people find the experience of another person who has been through a similar situation invaluable, and so contact a support group

Some other useful strategies

  1. Live a day at time
  2. Do something special for yourself every day
  3. Do not make any major decisions, such as selling the house, in the first year if possible

Some other strategies

  1. Talk to a caring friend, pastor or counsellor
  2. Join a bereavement support group
  3. Read books on grief.
  4. Write letters to the person you have lost to express your feelings or as a way of saying goodbye. You can then keep these in a safe place, or bury them under a bush you plant in their memory, or scatter the pieces in a significant place.
  5. Keep a journal as a record of your own journey of grief.
  6. Create a memorial for the person who died: plant a tree, create a memory book or photo album. Children often like to collect items for a memento box.
  7. Commemorate the person you lost on special days, such as birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day. Light a candle, drink their favourite bottle of wine, talk about them. Then go and do something special for yourselves- you deserve it! Plan these activities with the rest of the family.

Self Care

Self care is important to prevent further stress to the body. The following have been found to be helpful in coping with grief:

  1. A regular daily routine. Have set times for getting up, meals and going to bed.
  2. A balanced diet. Include: breads and cereals; meat, fish and dairy products; fruit and vegetables.
  3. Avoid too much coffee and tea to help you sleep at night.
  4. Outdoor activities, such as going for a walk or gardening take you away from the stress, and refresh you mentally.
  5. Exercise, such as swimming, walking and team games, will produce chemicals called endorphins in the body which help to counteract depression and make you feel good. The exercise does not need to be strenuous. If you have doubts about your fitness consult your doctor.
  6. Relaxation: meditation, massage, music.
  7. A relaxing pre-sleep routine: winding down before bed and not watching television.
  8. Avoiding seeking relief through alcohol, smoking, medication and other drugs
  9. Consulting the doctor about physical symptoms, for a blood pressure check, for practical help, for medical certificates, and for help with the grief.

Be patient, tolerant and gentle with yourself as you grieve. It is important to seek professional help when you feel overwhelmed by your grief or memories.

No one has to bear it all alone. There is help available.

Helping the Bereaved 

Give:

  1. A good ear
  2. Time to really listen
  3. A hug where appropriate
  4. Continuing contact

What can help bereaved persons

  1.   Contact the person as soon as you hear of the death. Tell them you are sorry to hear of their loss, or send a card or flowers.
  2.   Maintain contact personally or by telephone, notes, cards. Visits need not be long.
  3.   LISTEN: This is possibly the most important thing you can do.
  4.   Talk about the person who has died.
  5.   Accept their behaviour ? crying, screaming, being quiet, laughing. Allow expressions of anger, guilt and blame.
  6.   Offer practical help, such as bringing in a cooked meal, taking care of the children, cutting the grass, shopping.
  7.   Really try to understand and accept the person. Everyone is different.
  8.   Indicate that grief takes time.
  9.   Include children in the grieving process.
  10.   Be sensitive about dates that might be upsetting or significant for the bereaved person, such as Christmas, anniversaries, birthdays, Father?s Day, etc.

What may not be helpful to bereaved persons 

  1. Avoiding talking about the person who died unless the bereaved person does so.
  2. Inhibiting them by offering advice.
  3. Stopping contact with the person if the going gets too heavy.
  4. Lectures or reasoning.
  5. Expecting or judging how it should be.
  6. Using clichés.
  7. False reassurance.
  8. Saying ?I know how you feel?.
  9. Trying to do everything for them.
  10. Comparing one loss to another.
  11. Describing the theory of grief.
  12. Taking the focus away from what they are saying.
  13. Equating a loss you have experienced to your friend?s loss.
  14. Giving details of your grief, unless the bereaved person finds this relevant to their situation